I’ve been the sound guy. I’ve been in the band. I’ve been the show putter-together-er. I’ve played every kind of venue you can imagine (except a stadium... but who would want to play a stadium anyway? the acoustics suck.) Now, obviously no show is perfect... but if you could imagine the perfect show, what it would be like? Here’s my version:
The ideal venue:
-doesn’t have a set closing time or local ordinance that requires closing by a certain time.
-is smoke free. (Coming from the singer aspect of me. Not trying to argue with anybody.)
-serves drinks, but still allows minors into the show.
-does not serve minors.
-requires you to be standing before you can be served.
-has drink prices that are still in single digits.
-is big enough to hold the band’s audience, but not so big that it makes the fanbase look puny and embarrassed to be at the show. Walls may be moved to make the room feel “just right” for a given audience. (I can’t wrap my head around the logistics of that, but that’s for the wall-scientists. I’m just the dreamer!)
-has a sound system that has “Highs,” “Mids,” and “Lows” and not an overabundance of any of those three at the expense of the other two.
-has air conditioning.
-has warned their customers that people might be musicing so if you don’t want to participate, it’s time to scram. (applies to restaurants, cafes, coffee houses, etc.)
-has bathrooms that don’t require waterskis or hazmat suits.
For sound geeks only:
-has heard of acoustic treatment.
-has monitors. Said monitors are connected to a sound board, and maybe even loud enough for vocalists to hear.
The ideal audience:
-shows up before your set is over.
-considers paying for admission.
-considers listening to the music being played. Might even decide to dance if the mood is right.
-yells insults and mockery clearly so that the performers know why and/or how they suck, and not just that they suck.
-claps when you do the “everybody clap” thing.
-stops clapping when everyone has gotten waaaaayyyy off beat.
-purchases merch. Or what I will now call, “murchasing.”
-shares drinks via a drink receptacle and not via blecccchhhing all over other persons.
-dogpiles and rabbit punches the guy who shouts “play free bird!”
Now I KNOW some of you have opinions on what the perfect show/audience/venue would be like. Care to share?
BONUS ROUND -- The ideal sound guy:
-uses words to communicate instead of head shakes, foul language, and muttering.
-has considered sobriety in the last 30 days.
-knows his “house” like the back of his hand. Doesn’t say things like “what the hell does THIS do?”
-is willing to consider letting you use your own personal microphone because he knows it’s your security blanket, even if it doesn’t sound better than his pet mic.
-still has 90% of his hearing, and sometimes even pays attention to the band on stage. He is intent on making you sound awesome, because he knows the band is in some sense a reflection of his own work.
-doesn’t think feedback is harmless background noise (I’m guilty of this one myself sometimes).
-knows the difference between an SM58 and an SM58 knockoff.
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